I masturbate, as quietly as I can, next to my son. He is six and sleeps soundly. I even the rhythm and pressure, minimizing the ripples in the pond that is the bed, so very big and empty save for his slumbering self, arms flung and legs splayed; a trampoline jump freeze frame.
I think about men taking me against my will, forcing me. I like the things I make them say to me…their voices deep and shaming; You can’t do this alone. You aren’t enough to make a dad too.
It was your fault he left.
My climax, hot, comes up through my legs and fills my groin and floods my chest and face. I bite my teeth on it. I hold my breath until it hurts. I lick my fingers and wipe my eyes. The shaking never wakes him; the bed, so big now I can not touch him if I wish.
xTx is a dirty girl. She has a book forthcoming with nonpress.
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