She left town with me still in her bed, eyes red and squinty. I was staring at a wall and she didn't think I was awake. I was pretending.
"Where are you going," I said.
"Um," She paused. "I'm going to the airport. You can sleep another hour before work. I love you. I'll text you when I land."
"Wait."
"What?"
"You're really leaving?"
"Yeah. I really am. And you know what? I can't do this. I'm going to leave now, you're too crazy to bother with in the mornings and you'll mess everything up if I have this conversation with you again."
"We've never had this conversation before. We can't have it again. Come back to bed, it's too early to be all silly."
"You're the one being silly, and crazy, and ridiculous, but I love you anyway. And we have had this conversation before. You just never said anything."
"That's because I didn't think you were really leaving."
Her dad honked from outside. Everyone was in on this but me. I felt like he was aiding and abedding a run-away girlfriend. She wasn't a minor but it was probably still a crime anyway. She sighed and I rolled over.
"I love you," she said.
"Sure."
I thought about going with her. I thought she was insane. I thought about showing up to work that day and saying hello to my boss and then sitting down and staring at my monitors for a few minutes and then getting up and walking to her office. I'd say hi and she'd say hi and then raise her eyebrow probably. I would sit down and grab a sticky note from the side of her desk and look around for a pen until she provided one. I would write something like "Dear employer, this is my letter of resignation," and sign it Shannon Grant Peil, esq.
She'd look at me like I was crazy when I softly turned the sticky note around and let her read it. I would probably bow and then walk backwards into the hallway, holding eye contact. I would only break it once I was safely in the hall and headed for the breakroom for a soda as congratulations to myself on being flighty and unconcerned with my future. I would think things like "I'm sure it'll all work out," and I would actually believe it; I would make it come true. I'd walk out of the office after returning my laptop and my coworkers would shake my hand and as I got ready to leave they would ask "hey, can I have your extra mouse?" and "you owe me twenty bucks," and I would just nod on my way out the door.
I stared at her wallpaper in the dark until my eyes went blurry and the wallpaper didn't make sense anymore. I heard coffee bubbling in the kitchen. I rolled over and thought about crying but couldn't, so I put on my pants. I walked into the kitchen and said hello to the runaway's mother. She offered me a cup of coffee and I put sugar in it absentmindedly, looking at anything but her. She sat down in the living room and kept her eyes on me.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"Sure."
"You know she was planning on going long before the two of you started seeing each other. She's been talking about leaving for years."
"She hates us."
"Don't be silly. She loves you, I know that. And she loves me and her father, she just has to go see things; things she isn't used to and be away from home and comfort and being able to run back to us for help."
"Well she doesn't love us enough to want to live within fifteen hundred miles of us."
I was being melodramatic. I liked being melodramatic until someone calls me on it and then I get defensive. It starts a chain reaction of me trying harder and harder to convince someone that I truly believe the crazy things I am saying. I can feel it starting. Instead of continuing she just picks up a book.
"You're going to be late for work."
"Thanks."
I meant to say 'I'll see you later,' or 'have a good day,' but I rinsed out the coffee mug and walked outside instead. I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition for a few minutes until my alarm went off. I was going to be early. Really early. If I wanted to, I could probably do all kinds of things before I went to work. Like brush my teeth and maybe floss or take a shower. I thought it would be weird to walk back inside though. I didn't live there. Neither did my girlfriend.
I looked around, starting to panic, for my car keys. I checked my pockets and under my ass and in my coat and on the floorboard. I realized I was listening to music because the keys were in the ignition so I drove to work.
I spaced out for a while and then I was at work. I stared at my desk and said good mornings to people. I thought about walking into my boss's office. I looked at facebook for a while. I walked to the bathroom. I paused outside, stomach gurgling. I walked in, saw people at the urinals. I washed my hands so I could check the stall doors. One of them was closed. I dried my hands and walked out, heading across the building to the other bathroom. I walked inside and two of the stall doors were closed. I considered going anyway but decided against it and headed back to my desk, waiting until my stomach stopped hurting.
Shannon Peil is the editor of amphibi.us.
